Thursday, August 17, 2017

Expiration Date


You're blind to what's in front of you
What do you know about the truth
Devalued as soon as we're cast
We were never made to last
Just bodies made and fabricated
We're fighting towards our life extension
We're living for expiration

Under the surface we're not machines
Under the surface we're living dreams
Death lives just one breath away
Somewhere my heart beats in silence
I made my way through the violence
Nobody lives forever

"It's a shame you won't live. But then again, who does?"

My endless will for resolution
Echoing since my creation
I'm living for my expiration

Under the surface we're not machines
Under the surface we're living dreams
Death lives just one breath away
Somewhere my heart beats in silence
I made my way through the violence
Nobody lives forever
Under the surface we're not machines
Under the surface we're living dreams
Death lives just one breath away

-Fear Factory, Expiration Date 

Monday, August 14, 2017

Dating Sites bring so much hatred...

I never used to be such a hateful person. And it's not just dating sites that have driven me to a miserable unsettled state of mind most of the time it's people I've met in the past or thoughts of things I should have done or said. I'll try not to stray from the topic too much. But lately I've been having really hateful thoughts when people treat me poorly online or IRL. Went on a couple blind dates and the person usually said or did something rude referring to my weight. I'm not that fat and I personally think I'm fairly handsome. If you like hobbits anyways.

But just the shallow vapid masses that I find on there that I try to relate to or at least say hello to that just treat me like hot garbage leads me to think of them as the same or lesser than myself. I never used to be like that and it scares me especially when I get really irritable. I get really scary thoughts. Nothing violent physically but I'll wish I had powers to make all these people disappear so I didn't have to live on this planet with them. I have holed myself away in my room besides going to work and even started avoiding friends over the last two years. I just find more comfort in being completely alone save for some conversations online. Something about in my own space, on my own time, not answering to others or anything at all save for conversations with the dog because she wont leave me alone but she also doesn't judge me for being lazy, or angry or anything besides feeding her late or not taking her for a walk.

I've gotten really into the thoughts of transhumanism. If I could port my consciousness into an android body or into the net or something to be downloaded into various bodies ala Ghost in the Shell's Manga series. I would do it in a heartbeat whether I died or not. I'd like to be pseudo immortal and see where mankind goes and start my own asteroid mining colony and all sorts of things I wont see in my lifetime more than likely. I'm sick of sitting in this rotting shell and looking at others with hatred and isolation. I want to evolve, I want to be something better. I hate these malicious feelings and slowly growing pains over the years. I'll eventually become disabled as my lower spine is just completely jacked up and not getting better. No motivations to exercise or take care of this body at all besides the basics and keeping bathed of course I can't stand being smelly.

But I need a little magic in the world, it's all so mundane to me. And it's crushingly sobering every waking minute.

Friday, July 7, 2017

The Boundless Sea of Negativity and Learning how to Swim

I am not even sure how to start this one. I guess I'll preface it with I feel like some sort of frankensteins monster lately. Dating has become so shallow and ridiculous compared to what I am used to in the past. I'll hit it off with someone online really well. They'll have seen pics of me and me of them full body non nude and recent of course. But then we'll meet in person and I can just see the spark of repulsion in their eyes when they see how chubby I am. Least this is how I view it though one of them straight up said we'd be dating if I wasn't fat. This does not help my personal image of myself at all. I'll stare in the mirror before a shower and get angry at myself for having shitty genes and poor self control. But I'm really not all that weighty and plenty of weighty people have found happy relationships. So why am I having a problem?

I began a long two year introspection, removing myself from outside opinions and scrutiny for the most part. I felt no more alone than I did when I went outside anyways. I've always felt out of place and almost feared or like I wasn't well liked by people. Growing up I had a group of "friends" that would always talk behind my back. Probably still does for all I know. They used to steal from me and lie to me often. They thought they were so sly and got away with things but I kept an account of all of it to get some sort of eventual revenge. But seeing them all become miserable over time I figured that's the worst that could happen to them anyways. But over the years I've become jaded and hateful. Hating people for doing stupid things. Judging people for their life choices though I was no saint, getting slovenly drunk more often than not from about 2008 to 2012 as often as I could. I slowed down for a while when I was finishing up college to work at IBM.

I had moved into a friends whom was married and I was jealous as I hadn't had a girlfriend in a while since college ended. I finally found one not too many months later. All was well for a long while and I wont go into too much detail but it ended up being the worst experience of my entire life. That relationship ending shattered me as a person and I still to this day will not trust another with my heart unless they're willing to work for it. It's been 4 years from that day now that it finally ended and 2016 being the worst year of my depression. Never before had I actually contemplated putting a bullet through my head just so the crushing apathy and hatred  I had for everyone else in the world around me. I'd even get annoyed at some things my family did or didn't do. I tried to bury it all with pharmaceutical drugs prescribed to me for anti depression and anti anxiety to just keep me leveled out at the least. But it only made it worse and cause heart palpitations and anxiety spikes.

I was desperate to try anything to get my life to let up a little. But I was constantly surrounded by negative stuff on social media and the news and friends who were just introverted and negative all the time. Everything irritated me to the point I wanted to physically destroy it. I tried Kratom, pot, percocet and more. While some of it waylay-ed the effects of my depression for a few hours it always came back. I was hurting friendships and causing turmoil at work but mostly for myself. My emotions spiraled out of control. Then one day at the end of my employment at Nissan data center. I got a pilonidal cyst in my spine/tailbone and had to have it cut and drained with out anesthesia. I was bedridden for a week without a laptop, only a crappy computer hooked up to my television. Summer Games Done Quick was on for the whole week. THat whole week all I did was take care of my dog and watch it for hours.

I never had the motor skills for such a thing. Speed running games for charity. These people were coming from all over the world to speed run these games for a great cause in one little hotel on the east coast of the USA. It showed me there is still good in the world. People are still out there fighting for good things and doing the thing they know best to achieve it. Not everyone is looking to prove the earth is flat or wasting their time on absolutely preposterous things. For every evil there is in the world I want to see someone just as strong trying to bring light into the world. I'll keep watching my games done quick week long sessions when they're on and crying at videos the dodo posts on facebook about animal rescues and cute pets and searching for things that make me happy. I'm far from being where I used to be when I was younger in terms of happy. But maybe I can be okay with just being alright and doing my part with the skills I have to make people happy or better their lives. In any small way I can.


-Tobias