Musings on Life by Tobias H.C.P.
So, I will start this off I suppose somewhere… I think I’ll just wing it and do stream of consciousness writing for this since my thoughts are so discombobulated. However now that I’ve quit all addictions my mind is focusing to a point of things coming to clarity. It’s been allowing me to kind of put everything into perspective. How my formative years still affect me to this day. Things ingrained into my psyche and mind. Walls I’ve put up to make it through those younger years and which I’ve torn down and put up in the times since. Okay so lets begin with one piece and spiral from there.
So, when I was younger and growing up I was a pretty happy kid for the most part. I loved being outside, barefoot. Running around without a care even though I was the runt in the neighborhood I still stood my ground with the bigger kids on the block most of the time. I played ball with them, hung out. Was teased and such every now and then. It wasn’t until they all started to hit puberty when it got a little more violent. Their heights and strengths grew exponentially and I wouldn’t hit a growth spurt or puberty til much later. It was this shift in power that drove me to despise being around other people. Not right away but at the point my parents were considering divorce and we were planning on moving to another neighborhood. As soon as I lost that link to friends I had in that area I just kind of shut down and played video games, endlessly. I lost all social skills more or less in the sense they were all I could talk about or relate to people on. I eventually began to go through my growth spurt and puberty, girls became a little more into focus. But again I wasn’t the most dashing of lads at the time. I got invited to a party and ended up in a spin the bottle game. Nothing shatters you more when you’re young and hopeful than to be teased as a runt endlessly and then in spin the bottle the girl whom was to kiss me scrunched up her nose and said “Ew I don’t wanna kiss that boy.”
I shut down again and went back to video games, a world I could more or less control and enjoy at my leisure. A world where nothing hurt, many worlds of wonder actually. There were so many times I wanted to off myself over the years and miraculously a video game would be announced that would keep me going to play it. To feel that bliss again. Eventually though, my parents did split and I stayed in my little safe gaming haven as much as I could but I met some friends. Just as broken or worse than I was. I had a lot of fun. Got introduced to many life adventures, drugs, and bad relationships. But having had those experiences I feel I was made stronger. Given some common sense and understanding of the people and places around me. I grew wiser over time and while I feel like I wasted my time with most of my romantic relationships. I did get value, good memories and lessons learned out of each. I enjoyed learning the dynamics of love and other peoples viewpoints as, at the time I had some pretty unshakeable beliefs and ridiculous notions to what was and wasn’t. So it was also a grounding experience. After the last relationship I finally realized I’m just not good for them as I tended to get possessive and jealous easily. I would never keep anyone from their friends or ask to see peoples phones or anything but I certainly showed my discomfort and it’s like gripping jello. There’s no way to keep it from squirting out through your fingers if you squeeze it too hard.
Eventually I just kind of lost all… drive? To bother worrying about the other person in the relationship and still to this day I cannot seem to re start my inner hopeless romantic to the level it was before. This carried it’s own consequences with shorter relationships I’ve had since then. So for now I will just leave it be and maybe I’ll find someone like me. And if not then I’m okay just being a lonely writer, I have a couple books in mind. Some music I want to learn to play and many other hobby goals I’d like to achieve in the long run. If I cannot love another then I will love my crafts and whatever the muse will bring my hands and mind to create. All in all, there’s much more I’d love to write but alas I’m stuck in a glass tower having to adhere to schedules and demands of being an adult. Hopefully one day I can win the lotto or something and focus on my writing. To my parents and those that may be affected by this, I don’t hate you or any of that negative nonsense. I thank you for the journey and I love you all.
Perhaps one day a god will find me and show me the truths of this confusing and scary universe so that I may rest my fears finally. I feel most connected to the cool air of fall or cold winds of winter and norse mythology. Always makes me feel more alert and alive within paganism and what not. Even if I don’t feel overly connected to other practitioners of the religion. I just believe in the things that I can feel, dream and achieve. I don’t necessarily adhere to any rule set or anything.
Hopefully I can raise my head high after I make my last big move and find more smiles and happy adventures in the future. And not have to rely on my little digital happy place as much to keep me sane. Anyways I think my brain is out of gas for the time being. I always have a lot more to say but I think my mind sorts it as I type into more concise points and what not.
To all a good eve, a wonderful future and the best of energies and fortune.
