Friday, July 7, 2017

The Boundless Sea of Negativity and Learning how to Swim

I am not even sure how to start this one. I guess I'll preface it with I feel like some sort of frankensteins monster lately. Dating has become so shallow and ridiculous compared to what I am used to in the past. I'll hit it off with someone online really well. They'll have seen pics of me and me of them full body non nude and recent of course. But then we'll meet in person and I can just see the spark of repulsion in their eyes when they see how chubby I am. Least this is how I view it though one of them straight up said we'd be dating if I wasn't fat. This does not help my personal image of myself at all. I'll stare in the mirror before a shower and get angry at myself for having shitty genes and poor self control. But I'm really not all that weighty and plenty of weighty people have found happy relationships. So why am I having a problem?

I began a long two year introspection, removing myself from outside opinions and scrutiny for the most part. I felt no more alone than I did when I went outside anyways. I've always felt out of place and almost feared or like I wasn't well liked by people. Growing up I had a group of "friends" that would always talk behind my back. Probably still does for all I know. They used to steal from me and lie to me often. They thought they were so sly and got away with things but I kept an account of all of it to get some sort of eventual revenge. But seeing them all become miserable over time I figured that's the worst that could happen to them anyways. But over the years I've become jaded and hateful. Hating people for doing stupid things. Judging people for their life choices though I was no saint, getting slovenly drunk more often than not from about 2008 to 2012 as often as I could. I slowed down for a while when I was finishing up college to work at IBM.

I had moved into a friends whom was married and I was jealous as I hadn't had a girlfriend in a while since college ended. I finally found one not too many months later. All was well for a long while and I wont go into too much detail but it ended up being the worst experience of my entire life. That relationship ending shattered me as a person and I still to this day will not trust another with my heart unless they're willing to work for it. It's been 4 years from that day now that it finally ended and 2016 being the worst year of my depression. Never before had I actually contemplated putting a bullet through my head just so the crushing apathy and hatred  I had for everyone else in the world around me. I'd even get annoyed at some things my family did or didn't do. I tried to bury it all with pharmaceutical drugs prescribed to me for anti depression and anti anxiety to just keep me leveled out at the least. But it only made it worse and cause heart palpitations and anxiety spikes.

I was desperate to try anything to get my life to let up a little. But I was constantly surrounded by negative stuff on social media and the news and friends who were just introverted and negative all the time. Everything irritated me to the point I wanted to physically destroy it. I tried Kratom, pot, percocet and more. While some of it waylay-ed the effects of my depression for a few hours it always came back. I was hurting friendships and causing turmoil at work but mostly for myself. My emotions spiraled out of control. Then one day at the end of my employment at Nissan data center. I got a pilonidal cyst in my spine/tailbone and had to have it cut and drained with out anesthesia. I was bedridden for a week without a laptop, only a crappy computer hooked up to my television. Summer Games Done Quick was on for the whole week. THat whole week all I did was take care of my dog and watch it for hours.

I never had the motor skills for such a thing. Speed running games for charity. These people were coming from all over the world to speed run these games for a great cause in one little hotel on the east coast of the USA. It showed me there is still good in the world. People are still out there fighting for good things and doing the thing they know best to achieve it. Not everyone is looking to prove the earth is flat or wasting their time on absolutely preposterous things. For every evil there is in the world I want to see someone just as strong trying to bring light into the world. I'll keep watching my games done quick week long sessions when they're on and crying at videos the dodo posts on facebook about animal rescues and cute pets and searching for things that make me happy. I'm far from being where I used to be when I was younger in terms of happy. But maybe I can be okay with just being alright and doing my part with the skills I have to make people happy or better their lives. In any small way I can.


-Tobias

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Dream Log 8020

Dream Log 8020

I was on what appeared to be some sort of smuggling ship. Two of the crew members were constantly bickering about something. The blonde fat one who was rather unkempt and crude would pick on the Spanish looking crew member. The captain was a quiet but powerful woman who would calm them down when they got too heated. We came across what looked like a damaged science vessel. We cautiously boarded and looked around for stuff to loot as medical supplies were in high demand in this part of the quadrant. We found one scientist alive. He had some sort of weird grin on his face. Blood seemed to be seeping out of his pores but he was most assuredly dead. We found some scrawled notes about random people trying to escape. Many warnings carved into walls the further we went. I kept telling the others to turn back but no one would listen and I didn’t have the keycodes to start the ship up.

We ended up in a lab area and it was eerily quiet, lots of bodies strewn about. Walking into one office the two crew members would bicker as usual but louder they got about taking some of the painkillers aboard our ship. I eventually snapped as I was getting paranoid as I heard what sounded like thunderous footsteps or banging in the distance. “You two need to stop your fucking bickering because I am SURE AS SHIT NOT GETTING KILLED FOR YOUR LITTLE MARRIED COUPLE BULLSHIT!” I yelled before something kicked the door off the hinges down the hall. It looked like some of the bodies had re animated or something but there was a large creature in the back that made us all basically shit our pants as it eyed us. Just as insane a grin as the first scientist we saw upon arriving. It looks like it was in some sort of armored suit, its flesh peeling away where it could be seen. Blood seeping out of the pores, sunken eyes. We attempted to flee down a side hall and ended up encountering the fiends. Blasted the smaller ones away before running out of ammo. I managed to sneak into a busted side panel into a massive roll of insulation after yelling at the others not to engage the enemy.

I could hear their screams, bones snapping, the scent of blood then finally silence for a moment. I was attempting to stifle my breath as best as I could. I was eventually picked up inside the roll of insulation. Squeezed until my left arm snapped as well as a couple of ribs but I kept myself from screaming as best as possible. The massive creature was dragging me back to my ship, tossed me aboard along with the bodies of my crew. The shuffling of many feet was heard. I eventually passed out from the pain and shock of what was going on. I eventually woke, all around was quiet. I painfully crawled out of the insulation. Looked around cautiously before shutting the outer and inner airlock doors and disengaging from the science vessel. I dragged the captains body to the scanner to start the ship up before slumping her into a corner. Trying my best not to gasp in fear and pain. My emotions welled up inside me as I saw the creature at the airlock just staring at me with such rage and that creepy smile as always. I flipped him off as I spat out some blood and charted a course for a local planet. I ran a disinfectant through the vents in the ship in the hopes that it would kill any sort of reanimating virus if that’s even what it was.

The bodies seemed to only re animate near the creature. The hellish trip travelling with only my dead crew was unnerving in the vastness of space to put it mildly. I couldn’t sleep well either, the haunting images of that place and that… thing. Would probably haunt me for the rest of my days. Eventually, I made it to a port on closest planet days later. I figured out how to move all the ignition codes over to myself among getting into the weapons locker and the like. Also found some injectable painkillers in the pocket of one of my crew. “Thank you… you old bastard” I thought to myself before pocketing them to use later to have a nice long sleep later. The dock security looked at me in shock seeing me in bloodied clothing, limping about  with a splinted arm holding my wrapped ribs a bit. I explained the whole thing. They thought I was just some junkie or hijacked the ship and killed the crew but I showed them my personal recordings of the whole thing from the ship cams and my augmented iris cam as well. They seemed extremely unsettled. Mumbling amongst themselves for a moment in consideration. I showed them on the ship map where the science vessel was. I explained more of what I thought the creature might be as stuff like this was not terribly uncommon in the outer sectors. They decided to take care of my ship and gave my crew a proper burial giving me my captains pilot license which changed from her picture to mine. They took me along to some sort of military research station. Several specimens of similar creatures, all with that same odd grin. They explained they have been tracking and studying these things for decades now. No one knows exactly where they come from but could be likened to necromancers.

No love for the living of course and that I had been incredibly lucky to have escaped alive. They fired some type of missile at the science vessel and we all watched on some sort of large viewing screen on the ceiling. Talking amongst ourselves as the missile grew closer to the target. Eventually vaporizing the ship in a bright light then nothing. The leader of the place or at least someone that looked like a leader asked me what I was going to do from then on. I told them I wasn’t sure but it sure as hell wasn’t smuggling in the outer regions. They thought I was joking. I went back to the ship, leaving the visual panel with my favorite show on as I took the drugs and went into a deep sleep. Showered when I woke up, checked the ships components and drive before thanking the dock security and prepping for take off. They handed me a bottle of booze as thanks for letting them know about the creature. I could have sworn I saw one out of the corner of my eye but I felt a hand on mine. I looked over quickly and it was my captain, blood coming out of her pores like the other victims on the science vessel. She formed that creepy grin and said “The ship is yours now…. Run!” I let out an admittedly not very manly scream. Snapped out of it and looked around in a panic as the dock security looked at me, asked if I was alright. I swallowed and nodded before setting ignition sequence and closing the airlock waving them goodbye. I launched off as fast as I could setting back for my home planet. I was going to assemble a new crew and float about the stars with friends and do some honest work. As I was making my way I looked back at the planet I was just on. Their sun had suddenly went dark, the light in the stars, their light twinkling away. I felt very serious sense of dread but I kept moving, a shockwave hit my ship with a bit of turbulence. I sent out scans. That planet was gone without a trace. That was the last thing I saw before hitting Hyper Light Speeds. It was at that I finally woke up.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Confrontational Daymares

Along my morning drive the brisk air of a November morning I was glad I put on my new hooded sweatshirt as I cranked up the heater a bit. I tend to zone out a little when driving, especially if I'm still waking up. But sometimes, just sometimes my body seems to go on auto pilot taking me to work safely and snapping me out of it if I get to close to colliding with something. My mind gets sucked into another alternate reality. One where it's full of action and confrontation and bouts of amazing acts of grandeur and sometimes horror and terrible things.

Today I was attempting to sell something on craigslist so the guy comes over and we talk about it. He then holds me at gunpoint and I freak out a bit but not externally. I try to talk the guy down a bit and show him my bank account is negative and that I should be robbing him instead. I find a spot I can grab his gun and wrench it away from him. Putting up a fight he squeezes the trigger as I get it away from him, it went off and the assailant is dead and my dog caught the ricochet. She's not dead but hurt and I'm tending to her wound as my father yells at me and tells me it's all my fault. I stand up to him and tell him to fuck off and that life doesn't work how he has it in his head. It's unpredictable and wild and all we see in the city is a generally tamed view of it but if we were to unleash all these people into the wilds and there were no cities. Tribes would be made and wars among those tribes would be fought for generations for land, treasures and other things.

I usually slowly come out of these daymares but this one I was ripped from by the blinking light of a car and immediately thrown into a panic attack. So I roll down the windows for some nice cold air to snap out of it and begin my slow breathing technique which generally saves me from a full blown panic attack. I finally get to work and just sit in my car and think about how crazy the mind is and wonder if I'll ever escape from this corporate routine. I often feel that I don't belong in this structured environment but one that I make with my own hands. I want my freedom, I want that more than anything else. But like you dear reader, I'm held down by debt, worry I wont be able to live in the wilds, the knowledge that I'll likely get picked up by authorities. Then dragged back to the shackles of this society and worse off than I was.

Again I'm at a point in my life where I have no idea the direction. If only I could get a viking sunstone for my own destiny. I know where I want to go. But I only have so much patience before I take more drastic measures to achieve it. Nothing illegal mind you, however it's never a particularly wise choice.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A turning point, and those still lost at sea.

Not too sure how to start this off as  I haven't written in a long while. Punctuation is likely to be minimal or off a bit as well. But I wanted to get this off my chest as it's been boiling up like an untended pot of water on the stove. It's best to get it all out boils over and makes a mess. Rather that I make a mess of myself and have some sort of breakdown at an inopportune time.

I'm very pleased I decided to go to Seattle and surrounding towns and cities for my 30th birthday. Thanks to my mother who found cheap groupon plane tickets. We put it off for around four to five years. It was long overdue. I wish I'd gone sooner but it seems it just wasn't the right time. It really opened my eyes on something that had been nagging in the back of my head for ages now. It was that Colorado no longer felt like home. Something about it becoming stagnant and stifling to me as a whole. It's the people coming into it for the pot. It's the rising rent costs. It's the smog and traffic. Then there's the fact that all my local friends have moved on with their lives. They're having kids and getting married, some are even on their second or third child.

Needless to say I'm at a good point where I can buckle down and save money. Probably pay on a house out there while I have a good job in Colorado til it's paid off. I'm looking into the 50-100k range. I don't need much space at all and I don't need to live in Seattle city. I was looking into some of the outlying towns. Something about that vast forest and being close to the sea and potentially imminent danger of the volcanoes and Canadian's(;P) just brings that spirit in me alive once more. I haven't felt that since I quit my job at the gas station when I was 22-23 to go to college to achieve my dream line of work. Which I did pull off by the way! I have been in IT almost ever since I graduated.

I am proud of all I have achieved and done over the years. I only wish I'd have pulled my head out of my ass sooner rather than later. But I was brought on the path I was supposed to be on. Through the best and worst and all the odd people I met while dating people I probably shouldn't have. I wouldn't call it wasted time as I learned and experienced more than I would have on my own more than likely. One of them pushed me hard into getting my license and a car I was procrastinating on getting for ages. So as bad as they may have ended or left me feeling. Good came of my experiences.

But there are still obstacles in my way. Currently I am dealing with an absolute slump of depression. It lets up now and then but it's cut down my will to write and Roleplay on my MMO games I play. Which I used to be absolutely passionate and excited about to get home from work and simply disappear into another world. Become someone else and ignore my surroundings for a little while. I would bore through tons of novels at work when it was slow. All sorts of things I get through the day with have become mostly unenjoyable. It's like the spark left my body and I feel so empty. But I know that's not the case as I still feel that inner fire burning within. I felt that fire when I went to college and I know it's going to enrage once more but where it will bring me I feel is Washington state.

It's where my heart is calling me and I simply cannot rid my mind of it. It doesn't feel like some pipe dream or folly. Though I worry where my father will go and what he will do when I leave Colorado. There's at least two years to decide and worry about that though. For now I need to focus on fixing my dental and physical health. That is where my inner fire is driving me for the moment. I just wish I could shake loose this hazy feeling I have in my mind and sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of degenerative brain disorder or that's just how I have always been and didn't notice as much til now. When speaking I tend to trip up on words, forget names and the like. Sometimes it even happens in my writing and I'll be stalled for a while til I remember the word or my brain finds a substitute. Not sure what it is or if it's just stress/depression/anxiety whatever mental condition.

Either way, if you've read this far I thank you and commend your efforts. I mostly wrote this for my own mental health. But I know some people are curious about the inner workings of the Tobi-Brain. I hope I will be an entirely new person and healthy in the next year or two. I want my move to the Northwest to be a whole new start, a fresh start. Colorado is my chrysalis, and so I shall become a beautiful butterfly and migrate where my heart desires.


-Tobias