Saturday, January 27, 2018

Alas, the lord is upon me.

"my spirit grows old
days turn to years
and years fall away
and the past grows so cold" -the only way through is out - Lycia
I've been fighting through the hardest shell you could possibly imagine. Most defer me as some oh poor me type or wanting attention. Someone who needs to sit in a hollow and listen to sad music and write sad poetry to offboard his feelings.
in a way you'd be right. I despise humanity for what it has devolved to. It frightens and scares me to death. I can barely manage to keep my mind together just to get fucking groceries much less interact with the lot of you.
Even friends I've known for a while. As much as I apologize I know I'm just a shitty distant "sometimes friend"
"So it's over!!!!
Now you're on your own!!!" - strapping young lad
But I may never become more than that. I just want to let those who've loved and interacted with me. That this may be the last interacting you'll ever have with me. You've all given me the most invaluable experiences I could have ever asked for. But something inside me is calling out. I don't know if it will lead me to more loneliness or something greater.
But I curl up at night and think about the things I've done, the things I've lived, the people I've seen, touched and that I could do better. I want to be that boat that people look at and think about when their dreams sail out to sea. I want to be that role model that they look at when they think of someone who has lived a lot of live and has a lot of values to tell and divulge.
The Pacific Northwest is calling me so strongly, no matter what logical thought I may have. It keeps kicking me in the face, telling me, taunting me. I need to go there. I NEED to live there. Whether it sinks or the volcanoes erupt and kill me. Something calls my very soul there.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Making it work

This is going to be a discombobulated ramble session like usual. So TL;DR is I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life or how to do it but I'm picking a quest path and fighting for it.

So lets start this off with I don't get along with very many people at work. My attitude and demeanor either locks me in as a funny prankster with no level of seriousness and no sense of business, or some lazy fat kid with no sense of urgency. I like to calmly handle any situation I'm in and that comes off to most as "fuck it, not my money that's flying out the door!" When that's definitely not my intention in the slightest. I never get pinned as a "good fit" for most companies and I've wasted too much time trying to find that company I fit in with best.

I don't feel people FIT in certain places. I feel like most just put on a front just like some or most would when first dating people but they keep it up for however long they're at the job. I found myself trying to do the same thing. Desperately trying to fit in with people I'd normally never have a more than small talk conversation with. And it stresses me out, breaks me down and all I want to do is blow my brains out or something instead of live a lie unhappy and worthless in this corporate world. But I try to remind myself I fought for this, despite my mental troubles and continous medication shifting because nothing works. Despite my poor health and tattoos and feeling worthless. I made it higher up in the corporate world than I ever thought possible when I first felt that fire in my belly to go back to college and get into IT jobs in the first place.

This was my dream job and now that the dream has died I don't know where to go from here. I feel too old to get into another profession. My physical state is not... crippled but I certainly couldn't do labor type jobs as easily as I used to. Retail is mostly out due to my tattoos. What's left? Hot topic manager? Tattoo shop clerk? Construction or something not people facing? Do I stick with IT and hope I find a nice chilled out office to work in or do I try to stick it out in tall  buildings full of horrible and exclusionary people(not all are bad of course)?

Working in this industry I've met some wonderful and intelligent people. I wouldn't trade the time I've spent for anything. I'm going to try and stick with this until I can afford at least a small house in the northwest, then look for another type of work or even just part time IT or something. Something different, I can't handle calls anymore I can't deal with supporting so many people and clients when any one of them could be pissy and want to use me as a pincushion. Being empathic like I am I feel all that rage and stress and it just overwhelms the hell out of me and I want no part of it anymore. I used to be pretty happy and a social butterfly, but my batteries are dead all the time now. I need new ones or a solar panel or something. I need out and I'm going to get out.

I just have to be patient and not let this make me cynical and tear me apart while I work towards this goal I've set, I don't care if it happens a little later than age 35 Since I've had some set backs and may have more. But I'm going to get there and I'm determined. I'm going to write those young teen adventure books I've had in my head for years. I'm going to finish my music albums and make people laugh and whatever other plans I had in mind. Someone once told me you find your inner fire or spark only a few times in your life and you can ignore it or you can hold it and use that power for something. I intend to use it when it finds me again. I feel it inside just like when I went to college and made my first album and wrote so much a few years back.

I can't let myself fizzle out into nothingness. I can't die a crippled, fat, lethargic and worthless mess of a human being. I will not let my addictions and impatience stop me from building my castle. I will continue brick by brick as long as it takes.

Thanks for reading if you managed to make it all the way through and even if not. I'm appreciative of all of my friends. Sorry for not being there much recently. I just needed to find myself again and I kept breaking shovels trying to dig in the wrong spot. <3

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Robot > Genderconfusion

All these fucking people are so concerned about their gender and what new trendy bullshit they can get into.

Me? I'm waiting til I can safely modify my body with cybernetic parts. If not becoming entirely synthetic. Fuck these worthless rotting bodies.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Expiration Date

You're blind to what's in front of you
What do you know about the truth
Devalued as soon as we're cast
We were never made to last
Just bodies made and fabricated
We're fighting towards our life extension
We're living for expiration

Under the surface we're not machines
Under the surface we're living dreams
Death lives just one breath away
Somewhere my heart beats in silence
I made my way through the violence
Nobody lives forever

"It's a shame you won't live. But then again, who does?"

My endless will for resolution
Echoing since my creation
I'm living for my expiration

Under the surface we're not machines
Under the surface we're living dreams
Death lives just one breath away
Somewhere my heart beats in silence
I made my way through the violence
Nobody lives forever
Under the surface we're not machines
Under the surface we're living dreams
Death lives just one breath away

-Fear Factory, Expiration Date 

Monday, August 14, 2017

Dating Sites bring so much hatred...

I never used to be such a hateful person. And it's not just dating sites that have driven me to a miserable unsettled state of mind most of the time it's people I've met in the past or thoughts of things I should have done or said. I'll try not to stray from the topic too much. But lately I've been having really hateful thoughts when people treat me poorly online or IRL. Went on a couple blind dates and the person usually said or did something rude referring to my weight. I'm not that fat and I personally think I'm fairly handsome. If you like hobbits anyways.

But just the shallow vapid masses that I find on there that I try to relate to or at least say hello to that just treat me like hot garbage leads me to think of them as the same or lesser than myself. I never used to be like that and it scares me especially when I get really irritable. I get really scary thoughts. Nothing violent physically but I'll wish I had powers to make all these people disappear so I didn't have to live on this planet with them. I have holed myself away in my room besides going to work and even started avoiding friends over the last two years. I just find more comfort in being completely alone save for some conversations online. Something about in my own space, on my own time, not answering to others or anything at all save for conversations with the dog because she wont leave me alone but she also doesn't judge me for being lazy, or angry or anything besides feeding her late or not taking her for a walk.

I've gotten really into the thoughts of transhumanism. If I could port my consciousness into an android body or into the net or something to be downloaded into various bodies ala Ghost in the Shell's Manga series. I would do it in a heartbeat whether I died or not. I'd like to be pseudo immortal and see where mankind goes and start my own asteroid mining colony and all sorts of things I wont see in my lifetime more than likely. I'm sick of sitting in this rotting shell and looking at others with hatred and isolation. I want to evolve, I want to be something better. I hate these malicious feelings and slowly growing pains over the years. I'll eventually become disabled as my lower spine is just completely jacked up and not getting better. No motivations to exercise or take care of this body at all besides the basics and keeping bathed of course I can't stand being smelly.

But I need a little magic in the world, it's all so mundane to me. And it's crushingly sobering every waking minute.

Friday, July 7, 2017

The Boundless Sea of Negativity and Learning how to Swim

I am not even sure how to start this one. I guess I'll preface it with I feel like some sort of frankensteins monster lately. Dating has become so shallow and ridiculous compared to what I am used to in the past. I'll hit it off with someone online really well. They'll have seen pics of me and me of them full body non nude and recent of course. But then we'll meet in person and I can just see the spark of repulsion in their eyes when they see how chubby I am. Least this is how I view it though one of them straight up said we'd be dating if I wasn't fat. This does not help my personal image of myself at all. I'll stare in the mirror before a shower and get angry at myself for having shitty genes and poor self control. But I'm really not all that weighty and plenty of weighty people have found happy relationships. So why am I having a problem?

I began a long two year introspection, removing myself from outside opinions and scrutiny for the most part. I felt no more alone than I did when I went outside anyways. I've always felt out of place and almost feared or like I wasn't well liked by people. Growing up I had a group of "friends" that would always talk behind my back. Probably still does for all I know. They used to steal from me and lie to me often. They thought they were so sly and got away with things but I kept an account of all of it to get some sort of eventual revenge. But seeing them all become miserable over time I figured that's the worst that could happen to them anyways. But over the years I've become jaded and hateful. Hating people for doing stupid things. Judging people for their life choices though I was no saint, getting slovenly drunk more often than not from about 2008 to 2012 as often as I could. I slowed down for a while when I was finishing up college to work at IBM.

I had moved into a friends whom was married and I was jealous as I hadn't had a girlfriend in a while since college ended. I finally found one not too many months later. All was well for a long while and I wont go into too much detail but it ended up being the worst experience of my entire life. That relationship ending shattered me as a person and I still to this day will not trust another with my heart unless they're willing to work for it. It's been 4 years from that day now that it finally ended and 2016 being the worst year of my depression. Never before had I actually contemplated putting a bullet through my head just so the crushing apathy and hatred  I had for everyone else in the world around me. I'd even get annoyed at some things my family did or didn't do. I tried to bury it all with pharmaceutical drugs prescribed to me for anti depression and anti anxiety to just keep me leveled out at the least. But it only made it worse and cause heart palpitations and anxiety spikes.

I was desperate to try anything to get my life to let up a little. But I was constantly surrounded by negative stuff on social media and the news and friends who were just introverted and negative all the time. Everything irritated me to the point I wanted to physically destroy it. I tried Kratom, pot, percocet and more. While some of it waylay-ed the effects of my depression for a few hours it always came back. I was hurting friendships and causing turmoil at work but mostly for myself. My emotions spiraled out of control. Then one day at the end of my employment at Nissan data center. I got a pilonidal cyst in my spine/tailbone and had to have it cut and drained with out anesthesia. I was bedridden for a week without a laptop, only a crappy computer hooked up to my television. Summer Games Done Quick was on for the whole week. THat whole week all I did was take care of my dog and watch it for hours.

I never had the motor skills for such a thing. Speed running games for charity. These people were coming from all over the world to speed run these games for a great cause in one little hotel on the east coast of the USA. It showed me there is still good in the world. People are still out there fighting for good things and doing the thing they know best to achieve it. Not everyone is looking to prove the earth is flat or wasting their time on absolutely preposterous things. For every evil there is in the world I want to see someone just as strong trying to bring light into the world. I'll keep watching my games done quick week long sessions when they're on and crying at videos the dodo posts on facebook about animal rescues and cute pets and searching for things that make me happy. I'm far from being where I used to be when I was younger in terms of happy. But maybe I can be okay with just being alright and doing my part with the skills I have to make people happy or better their lives. In any small way I can.