tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61417133745286661292024-02-20T20:01:52.324-08:00The shouty man with nowhere to go.BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-65270666548705742172018-10-12T15:28:00.000-07:002018-10-12T15:28:32.466-07:00Musings on lifeMusings on Life by Tobias H.C.P.<br />
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So, I will start this off I suppose somewhere… I think I’ll just wing it and do stream of consciousness writing for this since my thoughts are so discombobulated. However now that I’ve quit all addictions my mind is focusing to a point of things coming to clarity. It’s been allowing me to kind of put everything into perspective. How my formative years still affect me to this day. Things ingrained into my psyche and mind. Walls I’ve put up to make it through those younger years and which I’ve torn down and put up in the times since. Okay so lets begin with one piece and spiral from there.<br />
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So, when I was younger and growing up I was a pretty happy kid for the most part. I loved being outside, barefoot. Running around without a care even though I was the runt in the neighborhood I still stood my ground with the bigger kids on the block most of the time. I played ball with them, hung out. Was teased and such every now and then. It wasn’t until they all started to hit puberty when it got a little more violent. Their heights and strengths grew exponentially and I wouldn’t hit a growth spurt or puberty til much later. It was this shift in power that drove me to despise being around other people. Not right away but at the point my parents were considering divorce and we were planning on moving to another neighborhood. As soon as I lost that link to friends I had in that area I just kind of shut down and played video games, endlessly. I lost all social skills more or less in the sense they were all I could talk about or relate to people on. I eventually began to go through my growth spurt and puberty, girls became a little more into focus. But again I wasn’t the most dashing of lads at the time. I got invited to a party and ended up in a spin the bottle game. Nothing shatters you more when you’re young and hopeful than to be teased as a runt endlessly and then in spin the bottle the girl whom was to kiss me scrunched up her nose and said “Ew I don’t wanna kiss that boy.”<br />
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I shut down again and went back to video games, a world I could more or less control and enjoy at my leisure. A world where nothing hurt, many worlds of wonder actually. There were so many times I wanted to off myself over the years and miraculously a video game would be announced that would keep me going to play it. To feel that bliss again. Eventually though, my parents did split and I stayed in my little safe gaming haven as much as I could but I met some friends. Just as broken or worse than I was. I had a lot of fun. Got introduced to many life adventures, drugs, and bad relationships. But having had those experiences I feel I was made stronger. Given some common sense and understanding of the people and places around me. I grew wiser over time and while I feel like I wasted my time with most of my romantic relationships. I did get value, good memories and lessons learned out of each. I enjoyed learning the dynamics of love and other peoples viewpoints as, at the time I had some pretty unshakeable beliefs and ridiculous notions to what was and wasn’t. So it was also a grounding experience. After the last relationship I finally realized I’m just not good for them as I tended to get possessive and jealous easily. I would never keep anyone from their friends or ask to see peoples phones or anything but I certainly showed my discomfort and it’s like gripping jello. There’s no way to keep it from squirting out through your fingers if you squeeze it too hard.<br />
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Eventually I just kind of lost all… drive? To bother worrying about the other person in the relationship and still to this day I cannot seem to re start my inner hopeless romantic to the level it was before. This carried it’s own consequences with shorter relationships I’ve had since then. So for now I will just leave it be and maybe I’ll find someone like me. And if not then I’m okay just being a lonely writer, I have a couple books in mind. Some music I want to learn to play and many other hobby goals I’d like to achieve in the long run. If I cannot love another then I will love my crafts and whatever the muse will bring my hands and mind to create. All in all, there’s much more I’d love to write but alas I’m stuck in a glass tower having to adhere to schedules and demands of being an adult. Hopefully one day I can win the lotto or something and focus on my writing. To my parents and those that may be affected by this, I don’t hate you or any of that negative nonsense. I thank you for the journey and I love you all.<br />
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Perhaps one day a god will find me and show me the truths of this confusing and scary universe so that I may rest my fears finally. I feel most connected to the cool air of fall or cold winds of winter and norse mythology. Always makes me feel more alert and alive within paganism and what not. Even if I don’t feel overly connected to other practitioners of the religion. I just believe in the things that I can feel, dream and achieve. I don’t necessarily adhere to any rule set or anything.<br />
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Hopefully I can raise my head high after I make my last big move and find more smiles and happy adventures in the future. And not have to rely on my little digital happy place as much to keep me sane. Anyways I think my brain is out of gas for the time being. I always have a lot more to say but I think my mind sorts it as I type into more concise points and what not.<br />
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To all a good eve, a wonderful future and the best of energies and fortune.BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-67016942159721144062018-09-13T20:40:00.002-07:002018-09-13T20:40:50.985-07:00Don't look back at your foot prints<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">In one of my dreams, every layer of my life disappeared like family, future, past, country, politics, opinions, language, culture and dreams. All that was there was the now. A bunch of beings standing on a rotating rock flying through space. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Not good, not bad. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Just completely and absolutely neutral. A mindset i've always had is that everything at its core is neutral. And this dream gave me a new perspective. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">We're problem solvers and we constantly put ones and zeros, plusses and minuses, good bad, love hate etc on things we exist with. But there's something else. Something right in the middle. To some it's hidden. To others it's always there. It's acceptance. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">So when someone sees the naked life, you're pretty much standing on a tightrope.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">Fall to the right and you can see life as a depressing meaningless drag that gives you so much good just to take it away.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">But fall to the left and you can see life as this amazing wonderfully meaningless rollercoaster ride to enjoy. Even if it ends, it's a great motivating factor to enjoy the little things in life. And find your own meaning. It's not always easy seeing the good things in life. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">For me it can take time to see the good in things. I've been very quick to just jump into the destructive way of thinking. But to stand on that tightrope long enough for you to make a concious decision. You have to remain neutral and it feels so impossible to do with all this worldly noise going on, the news drama, negativity all over social media, racism, murder, bad shit happening in your life like car troubles and medical bills. We let all sorts of things inside of ourselves during all of this. it shapes and defines our ego which becomes our entire self.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">or at least what we think we are, much like someone who has amnesia. they could have been a horrible person before but are now as innocent as a child until the world around them shapes them once more or they re acquired their old memories or at least some.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">I've made the determination not to let the world around me, shape me. I will shape the world around me to my desires within my own means of ability and power. This doesn't mean I wont respect others or their realities. But I will be more firm in my own beliefs and self. Like anything with life this wont be an instant change.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><br style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8px;">I'll need to focus and practice to form this new self, to tell that pessimist inner voice to get out but take its cautions when it feels right in my gut. A part of me always craves change and chaos and I've pushed it away after college and I've been feeling nothing but depression and stagnation ever since. It's time to get things done or I'll die with too many regrets.</span>BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-54515729759091102752018-08-22T14:30:00.003-07:002018-08-22T14:30:52.184-07:00End of the record<div class="l_w73m87_ss p_w73m83xk_ clearfix" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin-bottom: -1px; zoom: 1;">
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In the past 3-5 years, I've felt like my life has been constantly looping over and over again. Just this part of it though. I don't feel like I've aged even at times and that I'm making the same mistakes.</h5>
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This past year however I feel like at least one of the tracks looping have broken and went off into another part. But the rest of me didn't follow. Not yet anyways, I've been spending a lot of introspection time on how to change those other things in myself to progress so I<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline; font-family: inherit;"> don't die with regrets and stay stuck where I'm at.</span></div>
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Depression continuously rears it's head and wears me down enough to just want to sleep, constantly. Sometimes it gets bad enough where I'll either leave or call out of work. Sometimes I'll even blow all my PTO on a week off work to just be a fat caterpillar of misery thinking about how I'm a failure and I can't do this or that or I don't have the focus to do anything worthwhile. It wears me down sometimes to the point that I think about ending my own life. Even though I don't think I have the guts to do such a thing I think it would be nice at times to just make all the constant worrying and BS just stop.</div>
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And lately, I've just been learning how to punch that voice in the face and just get up and do things. Even if I suck at them for a time. I at the least want to know that I've even tried at all. I've spent too much time trying to keep up with "the joneses" buying the best new gadgets and computers. Trying to impress people that were never my friends in the first place. And trying to drown in a pool with the rest of the fools. As Henry Rollin's said before.</div>
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They're cool until you try to get out of that pool, then they all try to drag you in so you drown with the rest of them.</div>
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So I haven't gone out much to hang out with friends or family or anything much for the last 4 years. Save for sparse adventures. Not because I hate anyone. But I'm afraid of things I need not be afraid of. It's been hard to break out of that shell again and I don't know how I got into it in the first place. It just kind of formed around me over the years. I think I've finally found the knife to stab my way out of the shell so to speak. Now I need to find and make the time for people, as well as myself. Knowing how to not burn out my social batteries as well.</div>
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Half the time when friends call I don't answer because I work in a call center. And the last thing I want to do is take another call. I've grown afraid of using the phone as a phone anymore. Texting is just about the only way to get ahold of me or messages online anymore. My brain feels over connected with worrying thoughts, wishes, goals and many many other things.</div>
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I don't know where I was going with this as usual. Other than getting it out of my head. Putting my train back on the right tracks and praying the bridge isn't out up ahead. I just want to feel happy again and other than a few moments here and there. I haven't felt it in a very long time.</div>
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BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-59922352495477272652018-06-29T13:19:00.002-07:002018-06-29T13:19:54.958-07:00MacOS and bootcamp woesSo, I spent about 12 hours total yesterday on something I could have solved in way less if I'd been a little less tired and observant. I installed MacOS high sierra on an external SSD for the speed since I have a 27in iMac 2017 with an i5, 580 graphics, and a 2tb fusion drive.<br />
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However I didn't know that bootcamping with the external drive would be such a nightmare. It only saw the fusion drive and would not partition correctly no matter what I did. I tried boot camp partitioning a couple times. It eventually screwed up the partitions so bad it wouldn't correct back to one volume through bootcamp OR disk utility(even in repair mode) So I had to to CMD-OPT-R to re download the stock macos for the iMac and then while in recovery mode, open up terminal and put in this string of commands to undo all the madness.<br />
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Command:<br />
N=Macintosh\ HD; for d in /dev/disk?; do o=`diskutil info $d`; [[ ! "$SSD" ]] && grep -lqw 'APPLE SSD' <<< "$o" && SSD=$d; [[ ! "$HDD" ]] && grep -lqw 'APPLE HDD' <<< "$o" && HDD=$d; [[ "$SSD" && "$HDD" ]] && break; done; diskutil cs create "$N" $SSD $HDD && diskutil cs createLV "$N" jhfs+ "$N" 100%<br />
(the above needs to be put in verbatim)<br />
Site I got this from : https://discussions.apple.com/thread/7453778<br />
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OKAY so, fusion drive is back in one piece I boot from the SSD again back into MacOS. I boot into my VM and then I followed the below guide for the rest.<br />
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https://9to5mac.com/2017/08/31/how-windows-10-mac-boot-camp-external-drive-video/<br />
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However, the windows disk did not show up in the startup disks in my macs settings. BUT it did show up after rebooting and holding OPTION. It shows up as EFI boot under an orange drive icon. Signifying an external drive I think(not sure on that one). All said and done it was 2am and I finally passed out from exhaustion so I'm mostly just posting this to save anyone else the trouble I went through. I'll also have this on my g-drive permanently here.<br />
<br />BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-66413464937078196482018-03-28T09:15:00.000-07:002018-03-28T09:15:01.093-07:00To whom?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-20080871857041655482018-01-15T10:50:00.003-08:002018-07-13T10:56:10.109-07:00Making it workThis is going to be a discombobulated ramble session like usual. So TL;DR is I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life or how to do it but I'm picking a quest path and fighting for it. <br />
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So lets start this off with I don't get along with very many people at work. My attitude and demeanor either locks me in as a funny prankster with no level of seriousness and no sense of business, or some lazy fat kid with no sense of urgency. I like to calmly handle any situation I'm in and that comes off to most as "fuck it, not my money that's flying out the door!" When that's definitely not my intention in the slightest. I never get pinned as a "good fit" for most companies and I've wasted too much time trying to find that company I fit in with best.<br />
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I don't feel people FIT in certain places. I feel like most just put on a front just like some or most would when first dating people but they keep it up for however long they're at the job. I found myself trying to do the same thing. Desperately trying to fit in with people I'd normally never have a more than small talk conversation with. And it stresses me out, breaks me down and all I want to do is blow my brains out or something. Instead of live a lie unhappy and worthless in this corporate world. But I try to remind myself I fought for this, despite my mental troubles and continuous medication shifting because nothing works. Despite my poor health and tattoos and feeling worthless. I made it higher up in the corporate world than I ever thought possible when I first felt that fire in my belly to go back to college and get into IT jobs in the first place.<br />
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This was my dream job and now that the dream has died I don't know where to go from here. I feel too old to get into another profession. My physical state is not... crippled but I certainly couldn't do labor type jobs as easily as I used to. Retail is mostly out due to my tattoos. What's left? Hot topic manager? Tattoo shop clerk? Construction or something not people facing? Do I stick with IT and hope I find a nice chilled out office to work in or do I try to stick it out in tall buildings full of horrible and exclusionary people? (not all are bad of course)<br />
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Working in this industry I've met some wonderful and intelligent people. I wouldn't trade the time I've spent for anything. I'm going to try and stick with this until I can afford at least a small house in the northwest, then look for another type of work or even just part time IT or something. Something different, I can't handle calls anymore I can't deal with supporting so many people and clients when any one of them could be pissy and want to use me as a pincushion. Being empathic like I am I feel all that rage and stress and it just overwhelms the hell out of me and I want no part of it anymore. I used to be pretty happy and a social butterfly, but my batteries are dead all the time now. I need new ones or a solar panel or something. I need out and I'm going to get out. <br />
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I just have to be patient and not let this make me cynical and tear me apart while I work towards this goal I've set, I don't care if it happens a little later than age 35 Since I've had some set backs and may have more. But I'm going to get there and I'm determined. I'm going to write those young teen adventure books I've had in my head for years. I'm going to finish my music albums and make people laugh and whatever other plans I had in mind. Someone once told me you find your inner fire or spark only a few times in your life and you can ignore it or you can hold it and use that power for something. I intend to use it when it finds me again. I feel it inside just like when I went to college and made my first album and wrote so much a few years back.<br />
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I can't let myself fizzle out into nothingness. I can't die a crippled, fat, lethargic and worthless mess of a human being. I will not let my addictions and impatience stop me from building my castle. I will continue brick by brick as long as it takes.<br />
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Thanks for reading if you managed to make it all the way through and even if not. I'm appreciative of all of my friends. Sorry for not being there much recently. I just needed to find myself again and I kept breaking shovels trying to dig in the wrong spot. <3BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-83088350445616751792017-08-17T21:19:00.000-07:002017-08-17T21:19:35.681-07:00Expiration Date<br />
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You're blind to what's in front of you<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />What do you know about the truth<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Devalued as soon as we're cast<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />We were never made to last<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Just bodies made and fabricated<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />We're fighting towards our life extension<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />We're living for expiration<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Under the surface we're not machines<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Under the surface we're living dreams<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Death lives just one breath away<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Somewhere my heart beats in silence<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I made my way through the violence<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Nobody lives forever<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />"It's a shame you won't live. But then again, who does?"<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />My endless will for resolution<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Echoing since my creation<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I'm living for my expiration<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" /><br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Under the surface we're not machines<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Under the surface we're living dreams<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Death lives just one breath away<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Somewhere my heart beats in silence<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />I made my way through the violence<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Nobody lives forever<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Under the surface we're not machines<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Under the surface we're living dreams<br style="box-sizing: border-box;" />Death lives just one breath away</div>
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-Fear Factory, Expiration Date </div>
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BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-77434810753981182502017-08-14T11:02:00.001-07:002017-08-14T11:02:09.615-07:00Dating Sites bring so much hatred...I never used to be such a hateful person. And it's not just dating sites that have driven me to a miserable unsettled state of mind most of the time it's people I've met in the past or thoughts of things I should have done or said. I'll try not to stray from the topic too much. But lately I've been having really hateful thoughts when people treat me poorly online or IRL. Went on a couple blind dates and the person usually said or did something rude referring to my weight. I'm not that fat and I personally think I'm fairly handsome. If you like hobbits anyways.<br /><br />But just the shallow vapid masses that I find on there that I try to relate to or at least say hello to that just treat me like hot garbage leads me to think of them as the same or lesser than myself. I never used to be like that and it scares me especially when I get really irritable. I get really scary thoughts. Nothing violent physically but I'll wish I had powers to make all these people disappear so I didn't have to live on this planet with them. I have holed myself away in my room besides going to work and even started avoiding friends over the last two years. I just find more comfort in being completely alone save for some conversations online. Something about in my own space, on my own time, not answering to others or anything at all save for conversations with the dog because she wont leave me alone but she also doesn't judge me for being lazy, or angry or anything besides feeding her late or not taking her for a walk.<br />
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I've gotten really into the thoughts of transhumanism. If I could port my consciousness into an android body or into the net or something to be downloaded into various bodies ala Ghost in the Shell's Manga series. I would do it in a heartbeat whether I died or not. I'd like to be pseudo immortal and see where mankind goes and start my own asteroid mining colony and all sorts of things I wont see in my lifetime more than likely. I'm sick of sitting in this rotting shell and looking at others with hatred and isolation. I want to evolve, I want to be something better. I hate these malicious feelings and slowly growing pains over the years. I'll eventually become disabled as my lower spine is just completely jacked up and not getting better. No motivations to exercise or take care of this body at all besides the basics and keeping bathed of course I can't stand being smelly.<br />
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But I need a little magic in the world, it's all so mundane to me. And it's crushingly sobering every waking minute.BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-91117249122850639262017-07-07T07:57:00.001-07:002018-07-13T10:51:14.989-07:00The Boundless Sea of Negativity and Learning how to SwimI am not even sure how to start this one. I guess I'll preface it with I feel like some sort of frankensteins monster lately. Dating has become so shallow and ridiculous compared to what I am used to in the past. I'll hit it off with someone online really well. They'll have seen pics of me and me of them full body non nude and recent of course. But then we'll meet in person and I can just see the spark of repulsion in their eyes when they see how chubby I am. Least this is how I view it though one of them straight up said we'd be dating if I wasn't fat. This does not help my personal image of myself at all. I'll stare in the mirror before a shower and get angry at myself for having shitty genes and poor self control. But I'm really not all that weighty and plenty of weighty people have found happy relationships. So why am I having a problem? <br />
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I began a long two year introspection, removing myself from outside opinions and scrutiny for the most part. I felt no more alone than I did when I went outside anyways. I've always felt out of place and almost feared or like I wasn't well liked by people. Growing up I had a group of "friends" that would always talk behind my back. Probably still does for all I know. They used to steal from me and lie to me often. They thought they were so sly and got away with things but I kept an account of all of it to get some sort of eventual revenge. But seeing them all become miserable over time I figured that's the worst that could happen to them anyways. But over the years I've become jaded and hateful. Hating people for doing stupid things. Judging people for their life choices though I was no saint, getting slovenly drunk more often than not from about 2008 to 2012 as often as I could. I slowed down for a while when I was finishing up college to work at IBM.<br />
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I had moved into a friends whom was married and I was jealous as I hadn't had a girlfriend in a while since college ended. I finally found one not too many months later. All was well for a long while and I wont go into too much detail but it ended up being the worst experience of my entire life. That relationship ending shattered me as a person and I still to this day will not trust another with my heart unless they're willing to work for it. It's been 4 years from that day now that it finally ended and 2016 being the worst year of my depression. Never before had I actually contemplated putting a bullet through my head just so the crushing apathy and hatred I had for everyone else in the world around me would end. I'd even get annoyed at some things my family did or didn't do. I tried to bury it all with pharmaceutical drugs prescribed to me for anti depression and anti anxiety to just keep me leveled out at the least. But it only made it worse and cause heart palpitations and anxiety spikes. <br />
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I was desperate to try anything to get my life to let up a little. But I was constantly surrounded by negative stuff on social media and the news and friends who were just introverted and negative all the time. Everything irritated me to the point I wanted to physically destroy it. I tried Kratom, pot, percocet and more. While some of it waylay-ed the effects of my depression for a few hours it always came back. I was hurting friendships and causing turmoil at work but mostly for myself. My emotions spiraled out of control. Then one day at the end of my employment at Nissan data center. I got a pilonidal cyst in my spine/tailbone and had to have it cut and drained with out anesthesia. I was bedridden for a week without a laptop, only a crappy computer hooked up to my television. Summer Games Done Quick was on for the whole week. That whole week all I did was take care of my dog and watch it for hours. <br />
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I never had the motor skills for such a thing. Speed running games for charity. These people were coming from all over the world to speed run these games for a great cause in one little hotel on the east coast of the USA. It showed me there is still good in the world. People are still out there fighting for good things and doing the thing they know best to achieve it. Not everyone is looking to prove the earth is flat or wasting their time on absolutely preposterous things. For every evil there is in the world I want to see someone just as strong trying to bring light into the world. I'll keep watching my games done quick week long sessions when they're on and crying at videos the dodo posts on facebook about animal rescues and cute pets and searching for things that make me happy. I'm far from being where I used to be when I was younger in terms of happy. But maybe I can be okay with just being alright and doing my part with the skills I have to make people happy or better their lives. In any small way I can.<br />
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-TobiasBitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-71739661844055087042016-12-14T07:28:00.002-08:002016-12-14T07:28:08.215-08:00Dream Log 8020<div class="MsoNormal">
Dream Log 8020<br /> <br /> I was on what appeared to
be some sort of smuggling ship. Two of the crew members were constantly
bickering about something. The blonde fat one who was rather unkempt and
crude would pick on the Spanish looking crew member. The captain was a
quiet but powerful woman who would calm them down when they got too
heated. We came across what looked like a damaged science vessel. We
cautiously boarded and looked around for stuff to loot as medical
supplies were in high demand in this part of the quadrant. We found one
scientist alive. He had some sort of weird grin on his face. Blood
seemed to be seeping out of his pores but he was most assuredly dead. We
found some scrawled notes about random people trying to escape. Many
warnings carved into walls the further we went. I kept telling the
others to turn back but no one would listen and I didn’t have the
keycodes to start the ship up.<br /> <br /> We ended up in a lab area and it
was eerily quiet, lots of bodies strewn about. Walking into one office
the two crew members would bicker as usual but louder they got about
taking some of the painkillers aboard our ship. I eventually snapped as I
was getting paranoid as I heard what sounded like thunderous footsteps
or banging in the distance. “You two need to stop your fucking bickering
because I am <i>SURE AS SHIT NOT GETTING KILLED FOR YOUR LITTLE MARRIED COUPLE BULLSHIT!</i>”
I yelled before something kicked the door off the hinges down the hall.
It looked like some of the bodies had re animated or something but
there was a large creature in the back that made us all basically shit
our pants as it eyed us. Just as insane a grin as the first scientist we
saw upon arriving. It looks like it was in some sort of armored suit,
its flesh peeling away where it could be seen. Blood seeping out of the
pores, sunken eyes. We attempted to flee down a side hall and ended up
encountering the fiends. Blasted the smaller ones away before running
out of ammo. I managed to sneak into a busted side panel into a massive
roll of insulation after yelling at the others not to engage the enemy.<br /> <br />
I could hear their screams, bones snapping, the scent of blood then
finally silence for a moment. I was attempting to stifle my breath as
best as I could. I was eventually picked up inside the roll of
insulation. Squeezed until my left arm snapped as well as a couple of
ribs but I kept myself from screaming as best as possible. The massive
creature was dragging me back to my ship, tossed me aboard along with
the bodies of my crew. The shuffling of many feet was heard. I
eventually passed out from the pain and shock of what was going on. I
eventually woke, all around was quiet. I painfully crawled out of the
insulation. Looked around cautiously before shutting the outer and inner
airlock doors and disengaging from the science vessel. I dragged the
captains body to the scanner to start the ship up before slumping her
into a corner. Trying my best not to gasp in fear and pain. My emotions
welled up inside me as I saw the creature at the airlock just staring at
me with such rage and that creepy smile as always. I flipped him off as
I spat out some blood and charted a course for a local planet. I ran a
disinfectant through the vents in the ship in the hopes that it would
kill any sort of reanimating virus if that’s even what it was. <br /> <br />
The bodies seemed to only re animate near the creature. The hellish
trip travelling with only my dead crew was unnerving in the vastness of
space to put it mildly. I couldn’t sleep well either, the haunting
images of that place and that… thing. Would probably haunt me for the
rest of my days. Eventually, I made it to a port on closest planet days
later. I figured out how to move all the ignition codes over to myself
among getting into the weapons locker and the like. Also found some
injectable painkillers in the pocket of one of my crew. “Thank you… you
old bastard” I thought to myself before pocketing them to use later to
have a nice long sleep later. The dock security looked at me in shock
seeing me in bloodied clothing, limping about<span> </span>with a
splinted arm holding my wrapped ribs a bit. I explained the whole thing.
They thought I was just some junkie or hijacked the ship and killed the
crew but I showed them my personal recordings of the whole thing from
the ship cams and my augmented iris cam as well. They seemed extremely
unsettled. Mumbling amongst themselves for a moment in consideration. I
showed them on the ship map where the science vessel was. I explained
more of what I thought the creature might be as stuff like this was not
terribly uncommon in the outer sectors. They decided to take care of my
ship and gave my crew a proper burial giving me my captains pilot
license which changed from her picture to mine. They took me along to
some sort of military research station. Several specimens of similar
creatures, all with that same odd grin. They explained they have been
tracking and studying these things for decades now. No one knows exactly
where they come from but could be likened to necromancers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No
love for the living of course and that I had been incredibly lucky to
have escaped alive. They fired some type of missile at the science
vessel and we all watched on some sort of large viewing screen on the
ceiling. Talking amongst ourselves as the missile grew closer to the
target. Eventually vaporizing the ship in a bright light then nothing.
The leader of the place or at least someone that looked like a leader
asked me what I was going to do from then on. I told them I wasn’t sure
but it sure as hell wasn’t smuggling in the outer regions. They thought I
was joking. I went back to the ship, leaving the visual panel with my
favorite show on as I took the drugs and went into a deep sleep.
Showered when I woke up, checked the ships components and drive before
thanking the dock security and prepping for take off. They handed me a
bottle of booze as thanks for letting them know about the creature. I
could have sworn I saw one out of the corner of my eye but I felt a hand
on mine. I looked over quickly and it was my captain, blood coming out
of her pores like the other victims on the science vessel. She formed
that creepy grin and said “The ship is yours now…. Run!” I let out an
admittedly not very manly scream. Snapped out of it and looked around in
a panic as the dock security looked at me, asked if I was alright. I
swallowed and nodded before setting ignition sequence and closing the
airlock waving them goodbye. I launched off as fast as I could setting
back for my home planet. I was going to assemble a new crew and float
about the stars with friends and do some honest work. As I was making my
way I looked back at the planet I was just on. Their sun had suddenly
went dark, the light in the stars, their light twinkling away. I felt
very serious sense of dread but I kept moving, a shockwave hit my ship
with a bit of turbulence. I sent out scans. That planet was gone without
a trace. That was the last thing I saw before hitting Hyper Light
Speeds. It was at that I finally woke up.</div>
BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-65424137128992260722016-11-03T05:52:00.002-07:002016-11-03T05:52:48.441-07:00Confrontational DaymaresAlong my morning drive the brisk air of a November morning I was glad I put on my new hooded sweatshirt as I cranked up the heater a bit. I tend to zone out a little when driving, especially if I'm still waking up. But sometimes, just sometimes my body seems to go on auto pilot taking me to work safely and snapping me out of it if I get to close to colliding with something. My mind gets sucked into another alternate reality. One where it's full of action and confrontation and bouts of amazing acts of grandeur and sometimes horror and terrible things. <br /><br />Today I was attempting to sell something on craigslist so the guy comes over and we talk about it. He then holds me at gunpoint and I freak out a bit but not externally. I try to talk the guy down a bit and show him my bank account is negative and that I should be robbing him instead. I find a spot I can grab his gun and wrench it away from him. Putting up a fight he squeezes the trigger as I get it away from him, it went off and the assailant is dead and my dog caught the ricochet. She's not dead but hurt and I'm tending to her wound as my father yells at me and tells me it's all my fault. I stand up to him and tell him to fuck off and that life doesn't work how he has it in his head. It's unpredictable and wild and all we see in the city is a generally tamed view of it but if we were to unleash all these people into the wilds and there were no cities. Tribes would be made and wars among those tribes would be fought for generations for land, treasures and other things. <br /><br />I usually slowly come out of these daymares but this one I was ripped from by the blinking light of a car and immediately thrown into a panic attack. So I roll down the windows for some nice cold air to snap out of it and begin my slow breathing technique which generally saves me from a full blown panic attack. I finally get to work and just sit in my car and think about how crazy the mind is and wonder if I'll ever escape from this corporate routine. I often feel that I don't belong in this structured environment but one that I make with my own hands. I want my freedom, I want that more than anything else. But like you dear reader, I'm held down by debt, worry I wont be able to live in the wilds, the knowledge that I'll likely get picked up by authorities. Then dragged back to the shackles of this society and worse off than I was.<br /><br />Again I'm at a point in my life where I have no idea the direction. If only I could get a viking sunstone for my own destiny. I know where I want to go. But I only have so much patience before I take more drastic measures to achieve it. Nothing illegal mind you, however it's never a particularly wise choice. BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6141713374528666129.post-43604870252894011252016-10-11T06:29:00.003-07:002016-10-11T06:29:51.813-07:00A turning point, and those still lost at sea.Not too sure how to start this off as I haven't written in a long while. Punctuation is likely to be minimal or off a bit as well. But I wanted to get this off my chest as it's been boiling up like an untended pot of water on the stove. It's best to get it all out boils over and makes a mess. Rather that I make a mess of myself and have some sort of breakdown at an inopportune time. <br /><br />I'm very pleased I decided to go to Seattle and surrounding towns and cities for my 30th birthday. Thanks to my mother who found cheap groupon plane tickets. We put it off for around four to five years. It was long overdue. I wish I'd gone sooner but it seems it just wasn't the right time. It really opened my eyes on something that had been nagging in the back of my head for ages now. It was that Colorado no longer felt like home. Something about it becoming stagnant and stifling to me as a whole. It's the people coming into it for the pot. It's the rising rent costs. It's the smog and traffic. Then there's the fact that all my local friends have moved on with their lives. They're having kids and getting married, some are even on their second or third child.<br /><br />Needless to say I'm at a good point where I can buckle down and save money. Probably pay on a house out there while I have a good job in Colorado til it's paid off. I'm looking into the 50-100k range. I don't need much space at all and I don't need to live in Seattle city. I was looking into some of the outlying towns. Something about that vast forest and being close to the sea and potentially imminent danger of the volcanoes and Canadian's(;P) just brings that spirit in me alive once more. I haven't felt that since I quit my job at the gas station when I was 22-23 to go to college to achieve my dream line of work. Which I did pull off by the way! I have been in IT almost ever since I graduated. <br /><br />I am proud of all I have achieved and done over the years. I only wish I'd have pulled my head out of my ass sooner rather than later. But I was brought on the path I was supposed to be on. Through the best and worst and all the odd people I met while dating people I probably shouldn't have. I wouldn't call it wasted time as I learned and experienced more than I would have on my own more than likely. One of them pushed me hard into getting my license and a car I was procrastinating on getting for ages. So as bad as they may have ended or left me feeling. Good came of my experiences.<br /><br />But there are still obstacles in my way. Currently I am dealing with an absolute slump of depression. It lets up now and then but it's cut down my will to write and Roleplay on my MMO games I play. Which I used to be absolutely passionate and excited about to get home from work and simply disappear into another world. Become someone else and ignore my surroundings for a little while. I would bore through tons of novels at work when it was slow. All sorts of things I get through the day with have become mostly unenjoyable. It's like the spark left my body and I feel so empty. But I know that's not the case as I still feel that inner fire burning within. I felt that fire when I went to college and I know it's going to enrage once more but where it will bring me I feel is Washington state.<br /><br />It's where my heart is calling me and I simply cannot rid my mind of it. It doesn't feel like some pipe dream or folly. Though I worry where my father will go and what he will do when I leave Colorado. There's at least two years to decide and worry about that though. For now I need to focus on fixing my dental and physical health. That is where my inner fire is driving me for the moment. I just wish I could shake loose this hazy feeling I have in my mind and sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of degenerative brain disorder or that's just how I have always been and didn't notice as much til now. When speaking I tend to trip up on words, forget names and the like. Sometimes it even happens in my writing and I'll be stalled for a while til I remember the word or my brain finds a substitute. Not sure what it is or if it's just stress/depression/anxiety whatever mental condition.<br /><br />Either way, if you've read this far I thank you and commend your efforts. I mostly wrote this for my own mental health. But I know some people are curious about the inner workings of the Tobi-Brain. I hope I will be an entirely new person and healthy in the next year or two. I want my move to the Northwest to be a whole new start, a fresh start. Colorado is my chrysalis, and so I shall become a beautiful butterfly and migrate where my heart desires.<br />
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-Tobias BitBastardhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17506143423089875846noreply@blogger.com0