Thursday, September 13, 2018

Don't look back at your foot prints

In one of my dreams, every layer of my life disappeared like family, future, past, country, politics, opinions, language, culture and dreams. All that was there was the now. A bunch of beings standing on a rotating rock flying through space. 

Not good, not bad. 

Just completely and absolutely neutral. A mindset i've always had is that everything at its core is neutral. And this dream gave me a new perspective. 

We're problem solvers and we constantly put ones and zeros, plusses and minuses, good bad, love hate etc on things we exist with. But there's something else. Something right in the middle. To some it's hidden. To others it's always there. It's acceptance. 

So when someone sees the naked life, you're pretty much standing on a tightrope.

Fall to the right and you can see life as a depressing meaningless drag that gives you so much good just to take it away.

But fall to the left and you can see life as this amazing wonderfully meaningless rollercoaster ride to enjoy. Even if it ends, it's a great motivating factor to enjoy the little things in life. And find your own meaning. It's not always easy seeing the good things in life. 

For me it can take time to see the good in things. I've been very quick to just jump into the destructive way of thinking. But to stand on that tightrope long enough for you to make a concious decision. You have to remain neutral and it feels so impossible to do with all this worldly noise going on, the news drama, negativity all over social media, racism, murder, bad shit happening in your life like car troubles and medical bills. We let all sorts of things inside of ourselves during all of this. it shapes and defines our ego which becomes our entire self.

or at least what we think we are, much like someone who has amnesia. they could have been a horrible person before but are now as innocent as a child until the world around them shapes them once more or they re acquired their old memories or at least some.

I've made the determination not to let the world around me, shape me. I will shape the world around me to my desires within my own means of ability and power. This doesn't mean I wont respect others or their realities. But I will be more firm in my own beliefs and self. Like anything with life this wont be an instant change.

I'll need to focus and practice to form this new self, to tell that pessimist inner voice to get out but take its cautions when it feels right in my gut. A part of me always craves change and chaos and I've pushed it away after college and I've been feeling nothing but depression and stagnation ever since. It's time to get things done or I'll die with too many regrets.