This past year however I feel like at least one of the tracks looping have broken and went off into another part. But the rest of me didn't follow. Not yet anyways, I've been spending a lot of introspection time on how to change those other things in myself to progress so I don't die with regrets and stay stuck where I'm at.
Depression continuously rears it's head and wears me down enough to just want to sleep, constantly. Sometimes it gets bad enough where I'll either leave or call out of work. Sometimes I'll even blow all my PTO on a week off work to just be a fat caterpillar of misery thinking about how I'm a failure and I can't do this or that or I don't have the focus to do anything worthwhile. It wears me down sometimes to the point that I think about ending my own life. Even though I don't think I have the guts to do such a thing I think it would be nice at times to just make all the constant worrying and BS just stop.
And lately, I've just been learning how to punch that voice in the face and just get up and do things. Even if I suck at them for a time. I at the least want to know that I've even tried at all. I've spent too much time trying to keep up with "the joneses" buying the best new gadgets and computers. Trying to impress people that were never my friends in the first place. And trying to drown in a pool with the rest of the fools. As Henry Rollin's said before.
They're cool until you try to get out of that pool, then they all try to drag you in so you drown with the rest of them.
So I haven't gone out much to hang out with friends or family or anything much for the last 4 years. Save for sparse adventures. Not because I hate anyone. But I'm afraid of things I need not be afraid of. It's been hard to break out of that shell again and I don't know how I got into it in the first place. It just kind of formed around me over the years. I think I've finally found the knife to stab my way out of the shell so to speak. Now I need to find and make the time for people, as well as myself. Knowing how to not burn out my social batteries as well.
Half the time when friends call I don't answer because I work in a call center. And the last thing I want to do is take another call. I've grown afraid of using the phone as a phone anymore. Texting is just about the only way to get ahold of me or messages online anymore. My brain feels over connected with worrying thoughts, wishes, goals and many many other things.
I don't know where I was going with this as usual. Other than getting it out of my head. Putting my train back on the right tracks and praying the bridge isn't out up ahead. I just want to feel happy again and other than a few moments here and there. I haven't felt it in a very long time.
