Monday, January 15, 2018

Making it work

This is going to be a discombobulated ramble session like usual. So TL;DR is I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life or how to do it but I'm picking a quest path and fighting for it.

So lets start this off with I don't get along with very many people at work. My attitude and demeanor either locks me in as a funny prankster with no level of seriousness and no sense of business, or some lazy fat kid with no sense of urgency. I like to calmly handle any situation I'm in and that comes off to most as "fuck it, not my money that's flying out the door!" When that's definitely not my intention in the slightest. I never get pinned as a "good fit" for most companies and I've wasted too much time trying to find that company I fit in with best.

I don't feel people FIT in certain places. I feel like most just put on a front just like some or most would when first dating people but they keep it up for however long they're at the job. I found myself trying to do the same thing. Desperately trying to fit in with people I'd normally never have a more than small talk conversation with. And it stresses me out, breaks me down and all I want to do is blow my brains out or something. Instead of live a lie unhappy and worthless in this corporate world. But I try to remind myself I fought for this, despite my mental troubles and continuous medication shifting because nothing works. Despite my poor health and tattoos and feeling worthless. I made it higher up in the corporate world than I ever thought possible when I first felt that fire in my belly to go back to college and get into IT jobs in the first place.

This was my dream job and now that the dream has died I don't know where to go from here. I feel too old to get into another profession. My physical state is not... crippled but I certainly couldn't do labor type jobs as easily as I used to. Retail is mostly out due to my tattoos. What's left? Hot topic manager? Tattoo shop clerk? Construction or something not people facing? Do I stick with IT and hope I find a nice chilled out office to work in or do I try to stick it out in tall  buildings full of horrible and exclusionary people? (not all are bad of course)

Working in this industry I've met some wonderful and intelligent people. I wouldn't trade the time I've spent for anything. I'm going to try and stick with this until I can afford at least a small house in the northwest, then look for another type of work or even just part time IT or something. Something different, I can't handle calls anymore I can't deal with supporting so many people and clients when any one of them could be pissy and want to use me as a pincushion. Being empathic like I am I feel all that rage and stress and it just overwhelms the hell out of me and I want no part of it anymore. I used to be pretty happy and a social butterfly, but my batteries are dead all the time now. I need new ones or a solar panel or something. I need out and I'm going to get out.

I just have to be patient and not let this make me cynical and tear me apart while I work towards this goal I've set, I don't care if it happens a little later than age 35 Since I've had some set backs and may have more. But I'm going to get there and I'm determined. I'm going to write those young teen adventure books I've had in my head for years. I'm going to finish my music albums and make people laugh and whatever other plans I had in mind. Someone once told me you find your inner fire or spark only a few times in your life and you can ignore it or you can hold it and use that power for something. I intend to use it when it finds me again. I feel it inside just like when I went to college and made my first album and wrote so much a few years back.

I can't let myself fizzle out into nothingness. I can't die a crippled, fat, lethargic and worthless mess of a human being. I will not let my addictions and impatience stop me from building my castle. I will continue brick by brick as long as it takes.

Thanks for reading if you managed to make it all the way through and even if not. I'm appreciative of all of my friends. Sorry for not being there much recently. I just needed to find myself again and I kept breaking shovels trying to dig in the wrong spot. <3

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