Monday, August 14, 2017

Dating Sites bring so much hatred...

I never used to be such a hateful person. And it's not just dating sites that have driven me to a miserable unsettled state of mind most of the time it's people I've met in the past or thoughts of things I should have done or said. I'll try not to stray from the topic too much. But lately I've been having really hateful thoughts when people treat me poorly online or IRL. Went on a couple blind dates and the person usually said or did something rude referring to my weight. I'm not that fat and I personally think I'm fairly handsome. If you like hobbits anyways.

But just the shallow vapid masses that I find on there that I try to relate to or at least say hello to that just treat me like hot garbage leads me to think of them as the same or lesser than myself. I never used to be like that and it scares me especially when I get really irritable. I get really scary thoughts. Nothing violent physically but I'll wish I had powers to make all these people disappear so I didn't have to live on this planet with them. I have holed myself away in my room besides going to work and even started avoiding friends over the last two years. I just find more comfort in being completely alone save for some conversations online. Something about in my own space, on my own time, not answering to others or anything at all save for conversations with the dog because she wont leave me alone but she also doesn't judge me for being lazy, or angry or anything besides feeding her late or not taking her for a walk.

I've gotten really into the thoughts of transhumanism. If I could port my consciousness into an android body or into the net or something to be downloaded into various bodies ala Ghost in the Shell's Manga series. I would do it in a heartbeat whether I died or not. I'd like to be pseudo immortal and see where mankind goes and start my own asteroid mining colony and all sorts of things I wont see in my lifetime more than likely. I'm sick of sitting in this rotting shell and looking at others with hatred and isolation. I want to evolve, I want to be something better. I hate these malicious feelings and slowly growing pains over the years. I'll eventually become disabled as my lower spine is just completely jacked up and not getting better. No motivations to exercise or take care of this body at all besides the basics and keeping bathed of course I can't stand being smelly.

But I need a little magic in the world, it's all so mundane to me. And it's crushingly sobering every waking minute.

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