Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A turning point, and those still lost at sea.

Not too sure how to start this off as  I haven't written in a long while. Punctuation is likely to be minimal or off a bit as well. But I wanted to get this off my chest as it's been boiling up like an untended pot of water on the stove. It's best to get it all out boils over and makes a mess. Rather that I make a mess of myself and have some sort of breakdown at an inopportune time.

I'm very pleased I decided to go to Seattle and surrounding towns and cities for my 30th birthday. Thanks to my mother who found cheap groupon plane tickets. We put it off for around four to five years. It was long overdue. I wish I'd gone sooner but it seems it just wasn't the right time. It really opened my eyes on something that had been nagging in the back of my head for ages now. It was that Colorado no longer felt like home. Something about it becoming stagnant and stifling to me as a whole. It's the people coming into it for the pot. It's the rising rent costs. It's the smog and traffic. Then there's the fact that all my local friends have moved on with their lives. They're having kids and getting married, some are even on their second or third child.

Needless to say I'm at a good point where I can buckle down and save money. Probably pay on a house out there while I have a good job in Colorado til it's paid off. I'm looking into the 50-100k range. I don't need much space at all and I don't need to live in Seattle city. I was looking into some of the outlying towns. Something about that vast forest and being close to the sea and potentially imminent danger of the volcanoes and Canadian's(;P) just brings that spirit in me alive once more. I haven't felt that since I quit my job at the gas station when I was 22-23 to go to college to achieve my dream line of work. Which I did pull off by the way! I have been in IT almost ever since I graduated.

I am proud of all I have achieved and done over the years. I only wish I'd have pulled my head out of my ass sooner rather than later. But I was brought on the path I was supposed to be on. Through the best and worst and all the odd people I met while dating people I probably shouldn't have. I wouldn't call it wasted time as I learned and experienced more than I would have on my own more than likely. One of them pushed me hard into getting my license and a car I was procrastinating on getting for ages. So as bad as they may have ended or left me feeling. Good came of my experiences.

But there are still obstacles in my way. Currently I am dealing with an absolute slump of depression. It lets up now and then but it's cut down my will to write and Roleplay on my MMO games I play. Which I used to be absolutely passionate and excited about to get home from work and simply disappear into another world. Become someone else and ignore my surroundings for a little while. I would bore through tons of novels at work when it was slow. All sorts of things I get through the day with have become mostly unenjoyable. It's like the spark left my body and I feel so empty. But I know that's not the case as I still feel that inner fire burning within. I felt that fire when I went to college and I know it's going to enrage once more but where it will bring me I feel is Washington state.

It's where my heart is calling me and I simply cannot rid my mind of it. It doesn't feel like some pipe dream or folly. Though I worry where my father will go and what he will do when I leave Colorado. There's at least two years to decide and worry about that though. For now I need to focus on fixing my dental and physical health. That is where my inner fire is driving me for the moment. I just wish I could shake loose this hazy feeling I have in my mind and sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of degenerative brain disorder or that's just how I have always been and didn't notice as much til now. When speaking I tend to trip up on words, forget names and the like. Sometimes it even happens in my writing and I'll be stalled for a while til I remember the word or my brain finds a substitute. Not sure what it is or if it's just stress/depression/anxiety whatever mental condition.

Either way, if you've read this far I thank you and commend your efforts. I mostly wrote this for my own mental health. But I know some people are curious about the inner workings of the Tobi-Brain. I hope I will be an entirely new person and healthy in the next year or two. I want my move to the Northwest to be a whole new start, a fresh start. Colorado is my chrysalis, and so I shall become a beautiful butterfly and migrate where my heart desires.


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