Saturday, January 27, 2018

Alas, the lord is upon me.

"my spirit grows old
days turn to years
and years fall away
and the past grows so cold" -the only way through is out - Lycia
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I've been fighting through the hardest shell you could possibly imagine. Most defer me as some oh poor me type or wanting attention. Someone who needs to sit in a hollow and listen to sad music and write sad poetry to offboard his feelings.
in a way you'd be right. I despise humanity for what it has devolved to. It frightens and scares me to death. I can barely manage to keep my mind together just to get fucking groceries much less interact with the lot of you.
Even friends I've known for a while. As much as I apologize I know I'm just a shitty distant "sometimes friend"
"So it's over!!!!
Now you're on your own!!!" - strapping young lad
But I may never become more than that. I just want to let those who've loved and interacted with me. That this may be the last interacting you'll ever have with me. You've all given me the most invaluable experiences I could have ever asked for. But something inside me is calling out. I don't know if it will lead me to more loneliness or something greater.
But I curl up at night and think about the things I've done, the things I've lived, the people I've seen, touched and that I could do better. I want to be that boat that people look at and think about when their dreams sail out to sea. I want to be that role model that they look at when they think of someone who has lived a lot of live and has a lot of values to tell and divulge.
The Pacific Northwest is calling me so strongly, no matter what logical thought I may have. It keeps kicking me in the face, telling me, taunting me. I need to go there. I NEED to live there. Whether it sinks or the volcanoes erupt and kill me. Something calls my very soul there.

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