Along my morning drive the brisk air of a November morning I was glad I put on my new hooded sweatshirt as I cranked up the heater a bit. I tend to zone out a little when driving, especially if I'm still waking up. But sometimes, just sometimes my body seems to go on auto pilot taking me to work safely and snapping me out of it if I get to close to colliding with something. My mind gets sucked into another alternate reality. One where it's full of action and confrontation and bouts of amazing acts of grandeur and sometimes horror and terrible things.
Today I was attempting to sell something on craigslist so the guy comes over and we talk about it. He then holds me at gunpoint and I freak out a bit but not externally. I try to talk the guy down a bit and show him my bank account is negative and that I should be robbing him instead. I find a spot I can grab his gun and wrench it away from him. Putting up a fight he squeezes the trigger as I get it away from him, it went off and the assailant is dead and my dog caught the ricochet. She's not dead but hurt and I'm tending to her wound as my father yells at me and tells me it's all my fault. I stand up to him and tell him to fuck off and that life doesn't work how he has it in his head. It's unpredictable and wild and all we see in the city is a generally tamed view of it but if we were to unleash all these people into the wilds and there were no cities. Tribes would be made and wars among those tribes would be fought for generations for land, treasures and other things.
I usually slowly come out of these daymares but this one I was ripped from by the blinking light of a car and immediately thrown into a panic attack. So I roll down the windows for some nice cold air to snap out of it and begin my slow breathing technique which generally saves me from a full blown panic attack. I finally get to work and just sit in my car and think about how crazy the mind is and wonder if I'll ever escape from this corporate routine. I often feel that I don't belong in this structured environment but one that I make with my own hands. I want my freedom, I want that more than anything else. But like you dear reader, I'm held down by debt, worry I wont be able to live in the wilds, the knowledge that I'll likely get picked up by authorities. Then dragged back to the shackles of this society and worse off than I was.
Again I'm at a point in my life where I have no idea the direction. If only I could get a viking sunstone for my own destiny. I know where I want to go. But I only have so much patience before I take more drastic measures to achieve it. Nothing illegal mind you, however it's never a particularly wise choice.